I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My day in three words: secret purse cake
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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