You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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