i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
