How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
