Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
