You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
