I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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