i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
