I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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