I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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