I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
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her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
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I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
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