Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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