nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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