she looked like the before picture.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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