Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
