Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
There are leaves in my underwear?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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