You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
