My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
