I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
