my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize