Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
