I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
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I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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