I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Randomize
