theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I wear drunk well.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
