i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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