I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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