I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
It's just like the Real World with babies
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
