Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
