i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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