five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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