I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
