I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
is wine microwaveable?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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