there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Come on in and take your pants off
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