Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
