just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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