I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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