clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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