i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
