dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
