Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
