just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
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My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
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The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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