I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The power of my boobs compel you
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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