So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
