i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
