I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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