This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
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Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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