I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
