Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
