I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
