Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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