My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
