i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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