If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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