i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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